she stammers

last night, someone asked me if i "believed more in the mission of teach for america this year than i did my first year." there is so much subtext to this question. example: did your first year fuck you up to the point of no return? if your second year was better than your first year, was it actually inspiring, or just better? is it possible that your second year was as bad as your first year/oh please let it not be so (dramatic flourish, etc.) therefore, my very coherent reply was something along the lines of, "um...i think...i think that i think..." the truth is that i don't even marginally comprehend the past two years, but if asked again"do you believe," i think i would just say, "yes."

i worked at lee high school for two years and feel as though i did nothing. however, i did see something, or some things, which things were my students -- who are not things at all, after all, but people. so who am i to say that if i was not personally able to fashion some dramatic change within them that no one can, or that they cannot for themselves? to say otherwise means that i have allowed myself to assume their futures along the lines of statistical reality, and as a teacher, i do not believe you have that luxury. it was my job to see potential. if i did my job, my students, while they will eventually learn that their work was too basic to be college prepratory (at least, for now) will not have left my classroom thinking that they are fuck-ups, so long as i do my job, did my job, sorry. it was my job to believe.