time out

when i was younger, i used to wish that someone would walk in on me doing something irregular. such as, standing on my head or doing cartwheels down a hill.
there are things that are true about or for ourselves which have no voice. at least, that has been the case for me. for example, there are people to whom i can no longer apologize; it would be too much.
and so sometimes, i dream of subversions. if i dropped a letter on the ground at this and this time, this person would find it and then... honestly, my mind is like a shakespearan comedy, except that i don't expect the ending to involve a marriage. how do i explain? there is a mad desire in me to express without obligating others to react or reciprocate in any way. there is a supposition, not completely unfounded, that when one person speaks, another must respond. but i do not wish to enact that violence.
so, i dream of subversions. and stand on my head with my bedroom door open.