houston

i didn't know i loved houston this much.
i'm wearing a t-shirt that says, "cowgirls have it, cowboys want it," bought at a salvation army this past summer, the day i began to marginally intuit that i might someday need, well, a shirt like this. i've never owned a pair of boots or a cowboy hat. i've never even said the word "y'all."
but now suddenly "y'all" gives me pause. if i so much as hear it in passing, i actually stop walking and look for the speaker. this past week, in fact, my office was interviewing for internships and as this one applicant turned to go, he said the words. he said, "ok, bye y'all."
i almost jumped out of my chair, "did you say y'all?"
my boss started laughing, "you really like that, don't you?"
and while she's saying this, the kid is looking at me, sort of grinning, his bag hovering between his shoulder and the floor, and i don't know how to explain. so i say, "i'm homesick."
and i am.
everyone loves the bay area/wants to move to the bay area. i'm the only one who wants my concrete-bound mall/multi-plex/sauna-like hybrid of an ugly, grey city that spills off into a forever never never land of suburb-suburb-stripcenter repeat repeat ad nauseum.
the first day i moved here, an admin, ned, helped me register for payroll. he made small talk as i filled out the paperwork. "so you're from houston?"
"mm-hmm" i said.
"how is it?" he asked.
"in what way?" i asked back.
he looked a little suprised, not that i blame him, "well, in that 'how is it' way..."
"i love houston," i said without looking up from my forms, "it's ugly and it's hot and i love it."
"oh...why?"
i looked up, "i think it's because i like things that exist below the surface," and then went back to filling in blanks. ned and i get along famously, by the way, and i wasn't trying to be dramatic. i was surprised by what came out of my mouth, am still surprised, by how a place becomes home, and by how much i wish i was back.
but i can't go back, which brings me back to the beginning wherein i'm wearing a shirt that says "cowgirls have it, cowboys want it" and eating a huge bowl of fried rice while watching grey's anatomy. the sheer quantity of fried rice is making me sick, as is the derek character on grey's (the man should be shot).
izzie, another one of the characters, spent the entire episode lying on the bathroom floor and asking, "how did i get here?" and i admit to echoing that wonder. now granted, in the spirit of tv drama, she's on the floor because her fiance of one day unexpectedly died, and i'm merely lying on a single bed in berkeley with a tub of fried rice in my stomach, but nonetheless -- how did i get here? and if i too feel, despite my life's definitive lack of obvious drama, unable to move backwards or forwards and that everything is in slow motion, when does it get better/how do i make it better? it will get better.
the end.